Well here I am again.

I woke up painted/drew for a while.  To me they are the same thing; as I use painting techniques with drawing techniques in the same work.  I was working in watercolor pencil and colored pencil on polyester paper this morning; with an acrylic underpainting .  Then I had lunch did some exercise, some research and took a little break.  Now I am back at it.

My guy is at work(he found a job thank-god.)  I am feeling guilty as I am only working part-time; though my artwork is easily a full time gig.  I checked and I still am not at a profit for this current year. Despite selling a ton. It makes me want to cry.  Why be so honest?  Not sure.

I have to ask for more money for my art, plain and simple.  Doesn't matter if anyone even buys it at the new prices; last year I was in the hole by a few hundred dollars despite the fact that I sold close to one a week.  Which is like selling them almost as fast as you make them.

Well it's nice out and everything is in bloom.  It's beautiful.  (I have seasonal allergies and my  sinuses aren't great.)  I guess  I am a bit moody today.  Who could blame me I work and work and try and try and nothing. I just keep digging myself into a hole. I am grateful to have time to work on art but it's not going as planned.  I must only blame myself but can I fix it?   People say it's a hobby or that I shouldn't expect much.  I think that's their problem.  Picasso, others, they made good money in there lives. So what's up? What's to fix?  More shows? Different online places? Different style? Different subject? More advertisement?  This all costs money. 

I have worked my whole life towards this one goal and I am afraid I am a rotten artist or a rotten sales person. I study art history, I study art, I study selling trends, still I am no closer to "being" an "artist".

Nathan says why do you do that?  Why do you put yourself down? I don't know why.

I am an artist? 

I have to do better.

I am a needle in a haystack, never to be found.  I don't need the limelight I just need to make more money to pay bills.  I should put my pencils and paint away and just work a "real job".  Well what one should do and what one does are two different things.  I won't ever stop creating art.

Honestly at one point this past winter Nathan and I had nothing to eat but rice and beans which I had to buy on credit.  We didn't have enough money to heat the house well; 58 degrees is a might chilly.  We lounged in our coats and used the space heater to stay warm.  Our bills were way over due . (Nice to say it's fixed for now we have food and the bills are paid.)

I sort of hate myself right now for being so honest and writing this.  I am also mad for the fact that I am having difficulty being "normal"; working and paying the bills.  

I understand why my parents never wanted me to pursue art.  I thought art would give meaning to my life's work.  Which to me was more important then money or even my own life.

People probably don't realize the work that goes into art.   I know I should probably not publish this in my blog it's pretty personal but perhaps people should get more personal and up-close with art.  Then and only then would people appreciate it more.  Or maybe I am just selfish and need a reality check. 

I never know what to write in blogs and I can only be myself sometimes I wish I was some one else but I can only be me.  I have tried covering myself in normality and playing the part; really an elephant is an elephant, no matter how hard it tries to be a squirrel.